Castro Mummified!

For those interested in US-Latin American relations, it is useful to study the rigorously-conceived party platforms of the Democrats and Republicans.

In their final platform, the Republicans have committed 374 words to Latin American affairs. The Democrats 241 words.

Since the Latin American policy sections of these platforms are so lengthy and complicated, I have provided brief summaries below.

Elefantes:

* God and buying stuff connects people.
* The war on drugs = the war on terror
* Fidel Castro is a mummy.
* Expanding freedom is based on free market principles (and occasional bank bailouts).
* The US appreciates Canada for its valuable trade (and being willing to take our friendly fire in Afghanistan).
* Mexico and Colombia are so awesome they are worth mentioning.
* The free trade agreement with Colombia is being obstructed only by Democrats and people that want to keep their jobs.
* Colombia deserves to buy our stuff since they have been so brave (in killing their union members and journalists).
* Hugo Chavez is a clown.
* We do Cuban people a favor by staying out of their island and giving them free teevee.
* Evo Morales is a neural net processing cyborg.
* Cuban immigrants are like aborted fetuses: they should be safe, legal, and rare.
* We want to continue our strictly long distance relationship with Latin Americans.


Burros:

* The 2008 Democrats proudly will use JFK's 47-year old strategy for dealing with Latin America.
* Diplomacy should be like gay marriage.
* The Americas should have more self-esteem than to be Anti-American.
* Mexico and Colombia are awesome. And so is Brazil!
* Cuba should be free and sovereign and follow our orders.
* If Cuba does as we say, we will formulate moves toward becoming prepared to consider taking steps to initiate talks on beginning preliminary relations with Cuba.
* Haiti is like so permanently screwed.

Here are the unabridged Latin America sections from the platforms, just so you can see that Im not making any of this up.


Strengthening Ties in the Americas
Faith and family, culture and commerce, are
enduring bonds among all the peoples of the
Americas. Republicans envision a western hemisphere
of sovereign nations with secure borders,
working together to advance liberty and mutually-beneficial
trade based on sound and proven free
enterprise principles. Our relations with our immediate
neighbors, Canada and Mexico, are grounded
on our shared values and common purpose, as well
as our steadily increasing trade. We pledge to continue
this close association and to advance mutually
beneficial trade agreements throughout Latin
America, promoting economic development and
social stability there while opening markets to our
goods and services. Our strong ties with Canada and
Mexico should not lead to a North American union
or a unified currency.
Two factors distort this hemispheric progress.
One is narco-terrorism, with its ability to destabilize
societies and corrupt the political process. In an
era of porous borders, the war on drugs and the
war on terror have become a single enterprise.
We salute our allies in the fight against this evil, especially
the people of Mexico and Colombia, who have
set an example for their neighbors. We support
approval of the free trade agreement with Colombia,
currently blocked by Capitol Hill Democrats and
their union boss supporters, as an overdue gesture of
solidarity for this courageous ally of the United
States.
The other malignant element in hemispheric
affairs is the anachronistic regime in Havana, a
mummified relic from the age of totalitarianism,
and its buffoonish imitators. We call on the nations
of Latin America and the Caribbean to join us in
laying the groundwork for a democratic Cuba.
Looking to the inevitable day of liberation, we
support restrictions on trade with, and travel to,
Cuba as a measure of solidarity with the political
prisoners and all the oppressed Cuban people.
We call for a dedicated platform for transmission
of Radio and Television Marti into Cuba and, to prepare
for the day when Cuba is free, we support the
work of the Commission for Assistance to a Free
Cuba. We affirm the principles of the Cuban
Adjustment Act of 1966, recognizing the rights of
Cubans fleeing Communist tyranny, and support
efforts to admit more of them through a safe, legal,
orderly process.

Recommit to an Alliance of the Americas
We recognize that the security and prosperity of the United States is fundamentally tied to the
future of the Americas. We believe that in the 21 st century, the U.S. must treat Latin America
and the Caribbean as full partners, just as our neighbors to the south should reject the bombast
of authoritarian bullies. Our relationship with Canada, our long-time ally, should be strengthened
and enhanced. An alliance of the Americas will only succeed if it is founded on the bedrock of
mutual respect and works to advance democracy, opportunity, and security from the bottom-
up. We must turn the page on the arrogance in Washington and the anti-Americanism across the
region that stands in the way of progress. We must work with close partners like Mexico,
Brazil, and Colombia on issues like ending the drug trade, fighting poverty and inequality, and
immigration. We must work with the Caribbean community to help restore stability and the rule
of law to Haiti, to improve the lives of its people, and to strengthen its democracy. And we must
build ties to the people of Cuba and help advance their liberty by allowing unlimited family visits
and remittances to the island, while presenting the Cuban regime with a clear choice: if it takes
significant steps toward democracy, beginning with the unconditional release of all political
prisoners, we will be prepared to take steps to begin normalizing relations.